So, I was reading blogs about fathers, as Father's day is fast approaching. It got me thinking about my own father, my mother, and my schooling. I actually wandered off on a tangent more about schooling then parents. Let's see if I can work it out here.
My parents divorced when I was very young. I think it was finalized when I was three, but they had separated before that. I have no memories of my parents being married. I have no memories of them together, or a two parent, functioning household. I have some very early memories of separation and pain. My young self felt extreme loss, though I have no memories of the thing I lost.
I was raised a latchkey kid, by a single working mom and and our of state dad. Now, let's be clear, my mom moved us back to the city where she had grown up. The city where her parents, and most of her bothers and sisters still lived at the time. She returned to family, leaving my father behind. (After the divorce) My father made great efforts to see us. When we were very young he would dive (12 hours) to our city, stay in a hotel, or with a friend, and spend time with us. He would borrow a car, drive 12 hours to pick us up, turn around and drive the 12 hours back with 2 young, damaged, loud, fighting children in the car. Then he would do the whole thing again to return us. I remember long drives with the windows down, and the radio on. I feel the deepest of sympathies for him as I drive my young children twenty minutes to school. I'm not sure I could have handled the 12 hours. In trying to drive my children home without screaming insane things like, "no more talking, ever!" I am struck by how very much he loved us.
As we got older he bought us plane tickets and flew us to him. He always picked us up at the airport, he took off long periods of work. He missed meeting, he left early, he made us his priority. We never attended summer camps (though we did sometimes attend work with him) we were never, really, left with a sitter. There was him, and then my stepmom and her family. He was not a huge part of my life while I was growing up, but it was from no lack of effort on his part.
My mother. My mother was devastated by the divorce. It was not something that had ever occurred to her would happen, and she was left lost and alone with two young, damaged, loud, children. One of whom was special needs. I feel for her to. I can't imagine doing this on my own. Not for one second. My husband is wonderful, he is a hands on dad. He is there, he is involved, he is invested. He is a great dad.
I grew up in my mother's world. It was sad, and lonely, and hard.
HARD. She worked hard to provide us with all of the things she thought we should have. I think, all of the things she thought a two parent household would have. She provided well for us, and she sent us both to private schools.
My school. Oh my school.
The College School. It was a wonderful thing. I am trying to get my two children into it. Given a choice of anywhere to send them to school, that is my first pick. And here is why. My education there was, unique. We learned all of our math and english, writing, reading, science. All of the basics. We learned them well. When I moved from TCS into public school I was so far advanced they didn't have a mathematics program to put me in. I was bored. Painfully bored. Not only that, they only wanted book work. No thinking. It was a standard public school, listen, read, regurgitate. It was awful.
TCS didn't teach me math or science of social studies. TSC taught me how to learn, how to think, how to solve problems, how to live life. It taught me not only survival skills that have served me well, and probably saved my life, but problem solving skills. How to think for myself, how to
learn, and how to teach myself and others information I don't fully understand - yet. They taught me how to problem solve. They taught me it was ok to get the answer wrong twenty different times, or fifty, or one hundred, as long as I went back and continued to try until I got it right - the one hundred and first time. They taught me how to devise a plan and carry it out. They taught me that it was ok if that plan didn't go the way I wanted as long as I ended up at the end goal I had chosen. And if I didn't end up at the correct end goal? Well then, I needed a new plan. It wasn't a failed attempt, or a waste of time. I had learned what didn't work. Now I could move forward with a better idea of what might work. They taught me how to look at my experiences, and process what I had learned from them. They taught me to be aware that
all experiences, even those that end badly, teach us valuable lessons that can serve us well in the future. We need only be able to recognize them. They taught me to be aware of my actions and the consequences, to step forward with purpose, and to go back and try again - and again, and again.
So, yes, they have great academics, but I have always thought of it as relatively inconsequential. The fact that I can do equations, or recite history, or facts is simply a byproduct of the fact that I can
apply it. I can look at a problem and find a solution. Maybe not the best, or the fastest, or the most efficient, but one that works. Once I have a solution that works, I need only fine tune it until it is efficient.
I want my children to have that. I don't care if they can recite names or dates, or equations. I want them to be able to tell me what those names, dates, and equations mean. And I want them to tell me how those things apply to them. I don't want to hear what they have be told, I want to hear what they have
learned. "Show me how you apply it." "Show me why it is important."
I am 33 years old. I am married, with two children and three dogs in a single family home. I am sure that I can do whatever needs to be done. The fact that I have never done it, and have no real idea where to start is inconsequential. I can figure it out, and I can do it well. I don't need to know
how to do a certain thing, I only need to know how to
figure out how to do it. This means that I know there is nothing I cannot handle and nothing I cannot conquer. I am assured that I can face anything life throws my way with grace, tenacity, and confidence, because I went to a "unique" grade school. That's pretty amazing.
And my parents? My parents are wonderful people. They have taught me well through both their achievements and their failures. They have loved me through my own achievements and failures, and given me the tools I need to conquer life whole. And they gave me an education that allowed me to appreciate it.
Every year I send both of them a father's day card or gift. My mother often played both parenting roles, but that does not diminish that I have a wonderful father that has given me so much. There are no words to impart my appreciation to both of them. I hope if they read this what they take away from it is my love, admiration, and appreciation.
 |
| My mother, father, and I at my college graduation. |
