Moms & Minivans

I'm going to help all you non child having, non minivan driving folks out there out a bit here tonight.  That fat chick in the white minivan? Don't fuck with her in traffic. I know it's embarrassing to get passed by a minivan. You know what's more embarrassing?  Getting your ass kicked by a 32 year old fat chick who drives a minivan. I'm telling you, the mom in the minivan is a hairsbreadth away from losing it on a good day.  She will beat you. You aren't her child.

Now, I do know it's embarrassing to get passed by a minivan. It's an easy thing to avoid. I'm a reasonable person. You don't drive twenty-fucking-five in a forty, and I won't go around your ass. If you're not drunk, 45mph is fine, if you are drunk, get the hell out of my way.   The thing not to do is to drive twenty-fucking-five for several stop lights, and then speed up to fifty when the van tries to pass you, boxing her in behind the world's slowest pizza delivery guy who, apparently, is against speeding. (Doesn't he want a tip?)

Let me clue you in on a secret, no one wants to drive a minivan. Anyone driving a minivan is doing it because there are  2 or more children in their lives that they have to deal with on a full time basis. This means any person driving a minivan is one more, 'are we there yet?' away from killing everyone on the roadway at any given moment.  I know, you think, "look at that lamo in the van," but that lamo is closer to snapping then anyone else on the roadway. (Except for those driving the conversion vans with the family stickers on the back showing twelve children. Those people have, obviously, already lost it, and are one missed turn signal away from taking out a government building. Turn signals save lives, remember that.)

There's also no reason to drive ten miles below the speed limit at 9am.  I'm not drunk before 9am. If you are, just go home. Your day is going to be all downhill from there.  Move closer to a liquor store so you can walk. Join AA. Whatever it takes to get to the hell out of my way.

This has been your public survive announcement for the month. Read it, share it, remember it. Federal prison is like a 5 star vacation for parents. There are no kids, there are no diapers, and someone else cooks for you. Plus, you are required to sleep through the night. Loss of personal freedom is nothing to a parent who spends their days with tiny drunken midgets physically attached to them 24-7.

This is me. Only I have red hair.  Be safe. Don't fuck with minivans.